我的伴侶想和別人發生性關係

提交者: 奇蹟課程中文部 日期: 2009/6/17 17:53:23 閱讀: 474

摘要: 問:我和伴侶在一起有一陣子了,他是教授奇蹟課程的教師。近來,我碰到一個與他有關的難題,需要你的指點。他想要自由地與其他女人發生性關係……


 

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Q622: 問:我和伴侶在一起有一陣子了,他是教授奇蹟課程的教師。近來,我碰到一個與他有關的難題,需要你的指點。他想要自由地與其他女人發生性關係,他的說法是:人的自然本性本來就會想要無罪疚感的來做這件事,他不願放棄這個天賦的自由。他還告訴我,如果事情真的發生,他也不會感到內疚。
我愛他,我們共享著一份極其美妙的關係,我們雙方同意長相廝守,幫助他人和自己成長。但我對他的這項要求感到噁心,也不明白他為什麼想要這麼做?究竟他不願放棄那項「天賦自由」是一種妄想呢?還是我不願放手讓他去探索「自然本性」才是錯的?我反省自己,我並沒有這種為了性或友誼,而想要去尋求與其他男子交往的欲望。
Q #622: My partner and I have been together for a while. He is a teacher of A Course in Miracles and I am recently challenged with something I need guidance with. My partner would like the "freedom" to have sexual affairs with other women because he says it is ‘his nature’ to be able to do that and not feel guilty about it. He is not willing to relinquish that freedom, and he told me so that he will not feel guilty when it happens. I love him and we share an incredible relationship in which we both have agreed to build a future together to help other people and ourselves grow. But I can’t help but feel nauseous and wonder why he would want to do this. Is this a fantasy that he can’t relinquish or am I wrong in not wanting him to explore "his nature," for I don’t have the same desire to seek out other men for sex or companionship. I am so confused on what the Course would have me do or think and can’t help but ask myself, am I wrong to want a partner who would want the same things as me. I love him dearly but I am afraid this will end us and if so — so be it — but I need to know first if there is another way?
答:與其把焦點擺在伴侶身上,以及他對關係的期望與你的期望是如何地相互衝突,課程邀請你,首先探討你的小我對這關係抱存著什麼目的。
當然,我們都在尋求愛的特殊關係以滿足自己的需求,所以我們或明示或暗示,期望他人該如何如何,以達成我們的需要。伴侶雙方就這樣根據他們心目中的需求,各有自己認定的一套期望。於是,我們的幸福與滿足感之所寄,就有賴於伴侶能否滿足這認定的期望,這就是為什麼世上幾乎沒有人迴避得了人際關係。
A: Rather than focusing on your partner and his expectations for the relationship and how those may conflict with your own, the Course would invite you first to get in touch with your own ego purpose for the relationship. We of course consciously seek out special love relationships in order to have our needs met and so have implicit and explicit expectations for how we would like the other person to be so that we can get what we want. And both partners have their own set of expectations based on their own needs as they perceive them. We see our own happiness and satisfaction in the relationship as dependent on whether or not the other fulfills our expectations. This is why everyone in the world seems to enter into relationships.
然而,更深層的來看,通常在潛意識中,小我對所有「愛的特殊關係」所設定的目的,是為了證明愛是不可信任的──我們最終都會遭到背叛、遺棄,或傷害。愛於是轉成恨,從課程的角度來說,這根本不是愛(T.16.IV.4:1,2,3,4),只是依存關係。這種感覺,不論你恨得多麼理直氣壯,都跟他人的行為無關,只與我們根深柢固的罪疚感與無價值感有關。我們身不由主的想把那些憤恨的責任,從自身投射到他人身上。這就是小我隱藏在所有人際關係背後的真正目的。
However, the deeper, usually unconscious purpose the ego has for all special love relationships is to prove that love cannot be trusted and that we will in the end be betrayed, abandoned, or in some other way victimized by our special love partner. And the love will then turn into hate — demonstrating from the Course’s perspective that it wasn’t ever really love (T.16.IV.4:1,2,3,4) but dependency. And yet such feelings, regardless of how justified they seem to be, have nothing to do with the other’s behavior but only with our own deep-rooted sense of guilt and unworthiness and our overwhelming desire to project responsibility for those feelings outside ourselves on to someone else. This is the real ego purpose behind all of our relationships.
試圖釐清你們在這人際關係中各自的需求,評估一下兩人是否相配,這樣做並無不妥。唯一的錯誤是,你們倆個中的任何一人將自己的需求或堅持,冠冕堂皇地套上靈性的面貌。
由於小我的作祟,人人都想要那些能讓自己感覺很好的事物,我們並不真的關心別人。因此,在所有的特殊關係裡都深埋了衝突的種子,遲早會發生衝突的。不論你支持或反對行為層次的忠誠,都離不開小我的出發點。(有關「忠貞」議題的進一步討論,請參考Q # 417)
Now there is nothing wrong with each of you being clear about what you want in the relationship and then looking to see if there is a match. The only mistake would be in believing that what either of you wants and would insist on having has anything to do with anything spiritual. As egos, we all want what we feel is best for ourselves and we do not really care about anyone else. So conflict is inherent and inevitable in all special relationships, and it’s just a matter of time before the conflict surfaces. Justifications for or against faithfulness at the level of behavior are all ego-based (see Question #417 for a further discussion of the issue of fidelity).
所以你到底是留下還是離開好呢?耶穌希望你能認出那不是真的問題所在。他希望你問的是:你是否願意賦予這關係另一個目的?這才是你真正想要問的「另一條路」。
另一個目的即是,把這份關係當作一面鏡子而非一個螢幕。也就是反觀一下你心裡壓抑不下卻投射於外的東西,而非在他人身上盡看到自私、罪疚這些缺陷,卻認為你自己內在沒有。不管你是否繼續保有這份關係,你都能做到這一點。因為我們都在心靈深處指控自己對上主不忠,想從那唯一而真實的(天人)關係之外尋求愛和滿足。這種自我指控所帶來的罪惡感,會讓任何人都感到「噁心」的。
So should you stay or leave? Jesus would like you to recognize that that is not really the question. The question he would have you ask is are you willing to give the relationship a different purpose, and that would be the other way you are asking about. The different purpose would be to use the relationship as a mirror rather than as a screen, that is, as a reflection of what is buried within your own mind but projected outside rather than as a way to see the selfishness and guilt in someone else and not in yourself. And this you can do whether you remain in the relationship or not. For we are all accusing ourselves down deep of having been unfaithful to God and of looking for love and satisfaction outside of that one Relationship. And the guilt we feel over the self-accusation is enough to make anyone feel nauseous!
所以,請在自己自我覺察的過程中,溫柔地對待自己與你的伴侶。承認你們對此關係的期待確實有衝突,會有助於此一過程。任何為了追尋自己的幸福,而想去改變他人的意圖,自始註定會失敗(W.pI.71.2,3)。一旦我們願意釋放自己對特定結果的執著與期待,試著改變自己的心態,不論處境多麼困難或者涉及什麼對象,我們一定會大有斬獲。
So be gentle with both yourself and your partner in this process of self-examination, which has been facilitated by acknowledging the conflicting aims for the relationship that you are experiencing with him. Any attempts to change another in order to find our own happiness are doomed from the start (W.pI.71.2,3). But every attempt to change our mind about how and with whom we are perceiving a challenging situation, if we are willing to release our own investment in any specific outcome, is assured of success.

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